


You are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me

by sydthesquidkid348



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Hospitals, Komahina - Freeform, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, danganronpa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:14:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28356045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sydthesquidkid348/pseuds/sydthesquidkid348
Summary: (Non- despair au!) five month ago, Hajime Hinata's dad was tragically killed in a car accident. He definitely hasn't been in the right mental place because of it, but chooses to ignore his feelings. After all, his wonderful boyfriend Nagito needs him more then ever right now. But after Nagito also ends up in the hospital, he starts to actually begin thinking about himself and his worth. Izuru Kamakura has been Hajime's right hand man since they were born, and seeing Hinata like this is truly painful for him. Komaeda may have been the ultimate lucky student, but Hinata feels anything but lucky. (This is my first time posting anything, so hopefully it's not bad!)
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	1. A Super Unlucky Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you for taking the time to check out my fic! I've never posted anything before, so please try to mind my mistakes!
> 
> I would like to mention that there will be suicide, ED, and self harm brought up in this story. If that's something you struggle with, please proceed with caution.

“So this is it then? You’re giving up on me? After everything we’ve been through, this is how it ends?” He looks at the ground, as I see tears form in his eyes. I knew he didn’t want this. He was forcing himself to break up with me because of all the past problems he has. All of his talk about hating himself and how he was just a stepping stone for something greater than himself. I knew that this is what it was about. I was too scared and upset to say anything about it though. 

“I just… think it would be better… for you and for me.” Those words struck right into my soul, like I had just been shot. I’m speechless, it feels like I've been paralized. He turns his back, and starts to walk away, as I can only watch him. A few tears build up in my eyes, as everyone in the hallway continues to get their stuff and leave. It was the end of the school day, afterall. What did I do wrong to make him feel this way? Does he truly not love me anymore? All this fear builds up in my chest, as it feels harder and harder to breath. I feel a hand on my shoulder, and turn around quickly to see who it is, bringing my sleeve to my eyes to wipe away the tears quickly. Just as I thought, it was Chiaki.

“Hey hey, Hajime! We still down to play video games after school? I just got… hey, have you been crying? Are you ok?” She puts down her game, as I try to avoid eye contact. 

“Sorry Chiaki, I think something came up today, but maybe tomorrow.” I wave goodbye as I finally feel my feet move in the opposite direction down the hall. I don’t even bother putting my coat on outside, seeing as I would just be home in a matter of minutes because I wasn’t taking Komaeda home. I guess I would have to get used to doing that. Nagito always loved the winter... I still can’t believe I just got dumped. The more I think about it, the most I just wanna curl up into a tiny ball and die. We had such a good relationship, and I wasn’t expecting him to end it so quickly. How could he? I trusted him. Pulling into the driveway, I see everyone is already home. If I just act like everything’s normal, no one will suspect a thing, and I can slip away easily. Smile through the pain, right? I open the door and realize this is going to be harder than I expected. 

>   
  



	2. A Useless Reserve Course Student

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I just wanted to clarify that in this fic, Izuru and Hajime are brothers. I've read a few fics with that idea, and really liked the idea of Hajime having a brother. I hope you are all enjoying, I kind of played around with the formatting this time, so please let me know if it look weird or the short sentences are too much. Once again, thanks for reading!

“So how was school today?” My mother asked as we began eating at the dinner table. It was just me, Izuru, and mom. We’ve been this way for a while; My father passed away five months ago. It was the first time anyone has really seen me cry, mostly because I don’t like being emotional. It crushed me. It was the only time I was really vulnerable around other people because whenever someone brought it up, I would just...cry. It was a weakness.

We try to make the best of family time, mostly because Izuru and I are in our last years of high school, meaning we’ll be off to college soon.

Next month would’ve marked two years with Komaeda. I try to brush that out of my mind.

“School was… fine.” I say, looking at my plate. Izuru looks at me for a minute, his red eyes piercing into my soul. He’s making the face he makes when he tries to understand people’s emotions.  
“What do you mean when you say ‘fine?’” He asks, taking a bite of his food.  
“It MEANS school was ok.” I say back in a slightly irritated tone.

I’m aware of this.

I know if I don’t knock it off now, I'll get in trouble later.

“Hajime, there’s no reason to yell at your brother, he’s only trying to understand how you're feeling today.” My mother then says.  
“WelI, I mean... I feel ok, so we can just end this discussion now.” I then say, trying to push the conversation away from me.  
“Well obviously, when you look like THAT and you have that tone in your voice, you are definitely not what you say ‘ok’”  
“So then, what happened at school today? My mother asked again, agreeing with my brother.  
“I… nothing happened, ok? I can have bad days without something actually happening!” I feel myself start to get angry, but try not to let it get the best of me.  
“If you will not tell me, I suppose I will have to guess.” Izuru then starts to create a series of made up events that could’ve happened to make me upset. I try not to listen, but then he says the inevitable.  
“Did it have something to do with Komaeda?”

My heart stopped, as I just sat there, and said nothing. I’ve had enough.

“I think I’m going to excuse myself to work on schoolwork.” I immediately get up, and walk straight to my room. I set my stuff down by my desk, turn off the light, and jump onto my bed lying on my back. The ceiling looks blurry as I try to focus on it, but I start to feel warm tears come down my cheeks and neck. I close my eyes and just lie there.

I miss him so much already.  
Why did he break up with me? I  
thought we were happy.  
I thought I made HIM happy.  
He sure made me happy.  
The sunny afternoons we would spend in the park eating ice cream, all the movie dates, even playing video games with Chiaki.  
Did that mean nothing to him?  
I remember the first time I brought him over to the house to meet mom, dad, and Izuru, it was also when I came out. Izuru was so confused and didn’t know what to think at first, but eventually warmed up to him.  
What did I do wrong?  
Why did it have to be this way?  
We were going to get engaged and move into a house and have a family.  
What happened to all of that?  
Maybe it was a prank, he was just messing with me.

I pull out my phone, and dial his number. It ringed exactly two times. He got the call, but declined.  
I called again.  
This one only rings once.  
Declined.  
I’m starting to get angry. He was ignoring me on purpose.  
I call again. This time it rings three times.  
Silence.  
A audible, annoyed sigh from the other line.  
“Please stop calling me. I already told you I don’t want to be with you anymore.” He said.  
“I- just tell me what I did wrong! Tell me what I did to hurt you and make you feel this way, and then I swear I’ll never speak to you again, PLEASE! I just need to know what I did.” I say, trying not to sound like I'm crying as much as I already was.  
“You really wanna know what it is? You're boring. You have no talent. No one ACTUALLY likes you, Hajime. And no one ever will.”

This was a surprise.  
Coming from him.  
He knew the one thing that actually killed me, and used it to his advantage.  
I was a nobody.

“No one could love a useless no one like you.” He continued.  
“So all those years… all those memories we made were fake?”  
“Yes. Now leave me alone, and never speak to me again. This is goodbye, Hajime Hinata” the phone went silent, as I heard Nagito hang up the phone.

  
Boring. I’m just a standard boy with no achievements.

  
Worthless nobody. No one will ever love me truly.

  
Talentless. I will never be good enough, not without a talent.

  
No one actually likes me. I’m just a dumb reserve course student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another day, another broken hearted Hajime :(  
> Thank you for reading!


	3. talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuru talks to Hajime as he tries to understand what he's feeling.

My heart feels heavy, as I think about what those words actually mean.  
They mean everything, especially coming from Nagito.  
So this was it. He has shown his true colors. I didn’t know how I felt at first, but now all I feel is despair. I bring my knees up to my chest, and rest my head on my knees. I haven't cried this much in a long time. I felt so lonely. I hear my door crack, and see the hallway light shine through my room. I know it’s Izuru. I don’t want to say anything. He shuts the door behind him, and stands in front of me.  
“I guess I was right. Something is wrong.” he said, sitting next to me on my bed. I stay quiet for a moment, only sniffling a few times. He places his hand on my shoulder, as a way to try to cheer me up.  
“Was it something I said to make you upset? If so, my dearest apologies.”  
“Izuru, do you think I’m boring?” I ask. He doesn’t say anything for a moment.  
“Very much so, yes.” he starts. Even my own brother thinks I’m boring. He must’ve seen this wasn’t the answer I was looking for, because then he started to say something else.  
“But also very unique in your own way.”  
“It’s ok, I understand. Thank you for being honest.”  
“I know you are… self conscious about not having a talent, but you are just as great with or without talent. I mean that, brother to brother.” I wipe away the tears from my eyes. It doesn’t help much because I can still feel tears welling up in my eyes  
“Thanks.” I say in return.  
“Of coarse… But really… what happened to make you think this way? You seemed ok at school today.”  
“Well school was ok I guess. But Nagito was acting really weird today… and after school he said he didn’t want to be together anymore.” I pause, taking a shaky breath to try to stop myself from crying even more.  
“I called him just to make sure he wasn’t messing with me... He wasn’t. He told me… all the memories we made were fake, and…” I pause again, feeling my heart grow heavier by the minute. A sob manages to escape before I continue.  
“He said no one will ever truly love me because I’m talentless and boring. He hit it where it hurt most.” I covor my face with my face with my hands, embarrassed to see his reaction. I knew it wasn’t great.  
“So his words really hurt you. This just came from nowhere?”  
“Yeah! I mean, we went out a few days ago, and he seemed fine! He kept talking about how he was surprised I was still with him because he was so useless.” Izuru looked like he was thinking for a moment. He looked puzzled.  
“That is very strange. I don’t understand emotions very well, and I have never experienced romantic attraction or really any love besides for love as a family. But it sounds like this is really hard for you, brother. I’m sorry I cannot offer any advice, seeming it wouldn’t be very good considering I haven't felt love myself before. All I can offer is a shoulder to cry on and just being here for you as you go through this hard circumstance. Please know this is not your fault, and you are liked by a lot of people. If I say anything that upsets you please tell me.” Izuru has never said something like this to me. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but definitely not that.  
“Thanks Izuru.” I say, still in tears. We lock eyes for a minute, as he extends his hands out, gesturing for me to hug him. I’m hesitant at first, but eventually give in and hug him back. I wrap my hands around his back, and hug with all I have. I don’t get hugs from Izuru a lot, so I needed to make the most of it. If no one else liked me, at least I have a brother that loves me. I feel the tears start to come back, and the choking in the back of my throat forces me to let out a cry. My grip gets tighter as I continue to cry uncontrollably. He is stiff at first, but then I start to realize he likes it quite a bit. It felt warm and safe just to have a shoulder to cry on. My tears drip onto his white tee shirt, and that’s when I decide I probably shouldn’t burden him anymore.  
“Thank you.” I say again, pulling away after a while. Even though he has other things to be doing, he’s sitting here with me in the dark while I’m sobbing my heart out. This isn't the first time Izuru has ever seen me cry before, and it probably won't be the last. But he doesn't see this side of me a lot, mostly because I have a normal life, and don’t have a reason to cry.  
“I just… I don’t know what I did to make him suddenly think this way about me? I mean… am I really THAT boring? Is all i’ll ever be a dumb reserve course student? I want more than that.” I admit. Izuru understands this part of me, though. I talk about it a lot.  
“Well, you only have to be a reserve course student for a little while longer. Then you’ll be college student Hajime Hinata. A new start. No more ultimates to be around. You can be just as successful as someone with an ultimate.” I wipe away my tears, as they come to a stop. I give him a small smile to show my appreciation.  
“You’re right. Thank you. That’s just what I needed to hear.”  
“Hey; I AM your brother, and I know you best… I also know what else you need. Wash your face, we’re going out.” he says, standing up.  
“We are? Where are we going?”  
“It’s a surprise, I do believe those make you feel better?” He gave a rare smile, before leaving me to go get ready. The rest of the night was filled with driving around the town, chatting, and eating ice cream. It was definitely what I needed to relieve my stress, but that doesn’t mean it was all gone. Nagito was still in my mind the whole time. I wonder what he’s doing right now. Has he already moved on? Will I ever be able to move on? I really don’t know. 

Nagito means the world to me, and I don’t know if i’m ready to let that go yet.


	4. Letters and tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime get a letter from Nagito... it strikes fear into his heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This chapter will contain suicide attempt by overdose, and self harm. Please read with caution. 
> 
> I hope you all are having a good day, and please remember you are not alone and things do get better!

The next day of school was… strange to say the least. Nagito wasn’t at school. He skipped a lot, so I wasn’t surprised. It hurt a lot not having Nagito walk next to me in the hallway. Now, I have no one. Chiaki was… only partly there. She was staring at her game the whole time and didn’t even acknowledge my existence while we ate lunch together. I think it’s because she doesn’t want things to get weird between her and Nagito. After all, they are friends too, and classmates. She doesn’t wanna pick sides, and I respect that. When lunch is over, Chiaki and I split ways. But before she did, she stopped me from leaving.  
“I’m sorry about your breakup. It was... unexpecting, to say the least. The whole class was surprised. Nagito told me about it last night, and wanted me to give this to you after lunch… so… here.” She hands me a white envelope with my name is cursive. She leaves, continuing to look at her screen. This was strange. He told me he never wanted to talk to me ever again, so why this? It makes me a little nervous. I carefully open up the top of the envelope, to see a piece of white paper inside. I only had to read the first sentence to know what was going on here. 

Nagito was going to kill himself. 

The thought of that made me want to be sick and cry at the same time. Instead, I ran as fast as I could to my car, not looking back. Who the hell should I call? Should I call the police? Instead, I dial a different number, because SURELY he would know what to do.  
“Aren't you supposed to be in school?” Izuru sounds oddly suspicious of me from the line; even shocked.  
“I don’t know what to do, Izuru, I need help!”  
“What happened? Is it about Komaeda?”  
“I just got a letter from him saying he was going to kill himself.” There was a pause on the other line.  
“Well that’s not good.”  
“No shit! What do I do?!” I’m now speeding down the road trying to hold my fear and tears back.  
“You have to try to stop him. I’ll call the police and medical assistance. What’s the address?” I proceed to give him the address as I pull up into his driveway. Because he doesn’t have any parents, he has lived by himself for a long time. I’ve been trying to convince him to move into my house for the year, and then when we graduate we could get an apartment somewhere else just the two of us. He was too afraid of intruding, and I think the thought of being in the same house as my mom and Izuru scared him. I hang up the phone, and hurry up the stairs to his house. I knock first, then twist the doorknob. Locked. Luckly, I still had the spare key he gave me if I ever needed to get in. I barged in, and looked around to see if I could find him. He has to be in his room.  
“Nagito, are you here?” I yell, going up the stairs to his room. His room is the first door on the second floor. Locked again. I hear him crying on the other side of his room. I knock on the door.  
“Nagito? It’s Hajime. Please, just open the door, we can talk about this!” I yell. No answer. My heart drops, not wanting to believe the worse.  
“Nagito, open the door or I'm going to force it open.” I attempt to knock down the door by running into it with my shoulder. The tears blind my vision, as all I can think about is getting the door open. Because it is an old house, the door opens easily with two more hits. And then I see him. His wrists stained blood, as it seeps into the carpet. He held a bottle of pills in his hands, and he was sobbing. I ran to him, trying to get the bottle away from him. He is reluctant at first, but I manage to get the bottle from him. Only to find it empty. My heart shatters into a million peices.  
“Nagito, how many of these did you take?” He doesn’t answer me, as more tears fall from his red stained face.  
“Nagito, answer me!”  
“All of it!” He screams, holding his wrists.  
“Nagito, oh my god you're going to have an overdose!” I forcefully grab his hand. Panic starts to sink in, as I pull him close to me, and hug him as tight as I can.  
“Why are you doing this Hajime?”  
“Because I care about you!”  
“Even after all those things I said to you?”  
“Yes! Even after all of that! I already knew all that stuff! I’ve been told it all my life! Nothing you say will ever make me hate you, Nagito. I just… I just can’t lose another person I care about, I just can’t do it!.” I feel my body shake uncontrollably at the thought of losing my boyfriend, my everything! My soulmate.  
“Please, Nagito! I can’t lose you. I swear to god. I will do anything you say. I will stay away from you, i-”  
“All I said to you last night was a lie. I just… wanted you to hate me so you wouldn’t have to deal with the burden of me being gone. I felt like all I did was drag you down, so I knew it had to stop.”  
“Are you serious? I love everything about you! You could never weigh me down, because YOU are the best thing that happened to me, Nagito. I need you to know that.” I don’t think he wants to end his life. He really doesn’t want to die, so why is he doing this? He tries his best to stand on his own, but soon collapses to the ground. I find some gauze in a cabinet below the sink, and wrap them around his arms to stop the blood. I can see he is becoming pale and sick. His lips are starting to turn blue, and he's shaking like crazy. I continue to comfort him as I can tell he’s about to pass out. I hold him in my arms, and position him so that he’s looking at me. His beautiful green eyes begin to close, and my chest tightens... what do I do? What am I supposed to do? Sit here and hope that he'll be ok?  
“Nagito, look at me. You have to keep your eyes open, ok? You’re going to be ok.” He smiles at me before collapsing into my arms, unconscious. He still has a pulse, which saves me from going into shock. I pull him close to me, as I feel myself shake harder than it did last night. I didn’t even realize I could cry this much. I take out my phone, and call Izuru. He usually doesn’t like to answer the phone while driving, but this was a different case.  
“I called. They're almost there. I’m going to meet you at the hospital unless you need me where you are.?”  
“Sounds good. He’s ok, but unconscious.” I say back between cries. My brother sighed, hanging up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> deep stuff... 
> 
> I feel like this is a little rushed, but I honestly don't know how to slow it down... 
> 
> Thanks for reading! More will be up soon!


	5. Hope is on our side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagito is rushed to the hospital, and Hajime holds onto all the hope he has... but is it enough?

Minutes later, medical assistance arrived at Komaeda's house. I felt so scared yet relived at the same time. They carried him out on a stretcher, and told me to get in the back with them to answer some questions. They immediately hooked him up to so many machines that I know were going to scare him when he woke up… if he ever did wake back up. No. I can’t afford to think like that. He WILL wake up.   
“How did you find him like this?” one of them asks.  
“I… got a letter saying he was going to kill himself, so I rushed to his house, and he had already taken all the pills. I… I don’t know how many were in there, or even when he took them. he was still conscious when I got there.” I try to say clearly without jumbling up my words. I look at Nagito, unconscious and in pain. I can tell he’s really fighting. How did it get to this point where he wanted to take his own life? Was it just because he thought he weighed me down? Am I that bad of a person that he tried to commit because of me? Is there something happening I don’t know about? I squeeze both my hands onto his frail arm. I pray harder than I ever have in my life, still trembling.   
“Is he going to be ok?” I ask one of the medical professionals. They just look at me, pity in their eyes. I recognize this pity, it’s the pity everyone had when my dad died.   
“Do you want the semi- good answer, or the realistic answer? Either way, he’s lost a lot of blood from his wrists, and it’s not looking good. But things could turn around for him if he continues to fight and stay strong. have hope” He says. I bury my face in my hands, embarrassed I even asked. He's right. I have to have hope that he is going to be ok. He needs to be ok, because his future depends on it. OUR future depends on it. We pull up to the hospital, and they immediately roll Nagito out of the ambulance. I see Izuru by the front entrance, just looking at me with his bank expression. I want to follow Komaeda, but Izuru stops me. I knew I couldn’t follow, even if I wanted to. I feel the panic start to come back, as Izuru continues to stare at me with his red eyes. Only this time, it’s a different look. It’s the look I've only seen once before when our father died. The look of actual sympathy. We kinda just stare at each other for a moment before bringing him into a hug. My trembling hands cluched onto his jacket the best they could, as my tears came flooding back.   
“I’m so sorry.” He whispers. It’s all I needed to hear. He says it again a minute later. My brother may think I’m boring and average, but I will always know that he loves me, and once again this proves it. The only time he’s acted like this was since dad died. I think it brought us a lot closer to be honest.Before, he was spending so much time studying, and I was spending too much time working or going to parties. But after he died, we spent more time together.

Only now I don't want that time with Izuru; I just want that time with Nagito, and I really hope I get that time.   
“What did I do wrong? What did I do to cause him this pain and make him feel this way?” my words are muffled, but I can tell that he knows what I said.   
“Nothing about this is your fault, brother. I need you to know that. Please know that.” He says, letting go. I nod, clearing away the tears from my red puffy face. what am I going to do? what's going to happen to him? I refuse to believe that Nagito is going to die this young. I refuse to believe that he truly wants this. I refuse to believe that he gave up on all is dreams of becoming a parent and having a family. What changed? He was doing so well... Unless he was lying again, which could be a possibility. He used to lie to me a lot, and I think it was a trust thing. But now... I don't even know why. And then I feel it in my heart; I feel Nagito's hope inside my heart. The hope that this will just be a minor setback, and we'll actually be able to live the rest of our lives together. I life without Nagito sounds so terrible, and I truly cannot stand thinking about him not being here. So, I will hold onto this life. I will protect it with my life. And that's how I know Nagito will be ok. Hope is on our side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapter today was kind short! Most of it I was just trying to show what Hajime's thoughts were, and the guilt that could be inside. And obviously the hope.   
> Thanks for reading!


	6. Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime has a mental breakdown in a hospital bathroom and an encounter with someone he would rather not see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you've been having a good day so far! Sorry these chapters are a little short, but I swear I'll post more soon :)

Hours passed. Nothing. We have waited in the waiting room for hours. Almost half the day. It was now nine PM. My headache started to grow with every passing moment. I’m so worried about him that I try to block out my own pain, but I feel so nauseous. My hands were still covered with the dried blood from his slit wrists. Izuru had been here the whole time, and has updated mom frequently on what was happening. I scanned my surroundings for a bathroom, and to my luck, there was one. I walk over to the bathroom, and shut the door behind me, locking it. I look at myself in the mirror for a moment, then look down at my hands. Every passing moment it gets harder and harder to breathe. I feel the nausea get worse, as I imagined the bloody scene in my head over and over again. His tears, the fear in his face. The realization that he didn’t actually want to die. I lean over the toilet, feeling like I need to throw up.   
I do.   
I throw up a lot actually, a surprising amount. When i’m done, I don’t feel any better. I just feel worse. I sit on the ground for a minute, pressing the side of my face against the cold white wall. It doesn’t give me much comfort. How am I going to get through this? How is Nagito going to get through this? I feel my back shiver slightly, as the tears form in my eyes again. I hated crying, I hated people SEEING me cry even more. I don’t know if I can handle this guilt anymore, it just keeps building up.   
I feel so selfish.   
I shouldn't be the one feeling this bad when Nagito is the one dying. Izuru shouldn’t be more concerned about me then about Nagito. I can’t be the one sitting here in pain when he’s literally so in pain that he tried to kill himself.   
All because he thought he was bringing me down. What kind of person am I? I didn’t think I was a bad person… until now. I love Nagito so much, the thought of losing him makes ME want to kill myself. I can’t handle another death. Not yet. 

Again with the selfishness.   
This is probably the reason Nagito wanted to die.  
Because I’m a bad person.   
If anyone deserves death it’s me. 

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door.   
“Are you ok Hajime? You’ve been in there for a long time.” Izuru sounds concerned.   
“Yeah, I’m ok. I just feel a little sick is all.” I say back.   
Nothing for him to worry about.   
I get up, and wash my hands, splashing a little water on my face as well. When I open the door, I can’t help but notice Izuru is sitting back where we were sitting, and he was talking to someone. Someone who looks oddly familiar to me. Her long purple hair and her nurse uniform also made me aware that I knew how it was. 

Mikan Tsumiki. Of course she would be here.   
After all, she has an internship here to become a nurse, and they are in the same class.   
Although I wish she wasn’t.   
She makes me so uncomfortable sometimes.

Ignoring this feeling, I know she might know how Komaeda is doing, so I walk over there anyway. She notices me, and immediately starts to get flustered.   
“O-oh! Hajime, I wasn’t expecting to see you here!” She stumbled.   
“...Why?”   
“Well because… I- thought you guys split up.”   
“So my brother would be here but not me?” She looked embarrassed, and her face turned a bright red.   
“T-that’s right! I’m so… s-s-sorry!”   
“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine… Do you know anything about Komaeda?” I try to steer my way into getting any information on him.  
“A-are you ok? Y-y-you look super pail and sick.” She said concerned. She reaches her hand out in an attempt to feel my forehead. I swat her hand away.   
“I’m fine, please just stop Mikan! How is Nagito?” I ask again. She looks a little saddened, but I think she understands where I’m coming from and my behavior. Before I came out as gay, I thought I had a thing for Mikan, but our relationship ended really strange. It was like she was a completely different person sometimes.   
“H-he’s ok… he...he’s in a coma, and we don’t know how long it will be until he wakes up. But he’s stable. Y-you can see him if you’d like.” My eyes light up once she says I can go see him. But the coma part sounds really bad.   
“I can? Where is he?”   
“I-i’ll take you to his room.” She starts to walk away as I follow her. I noice for a moment Izuru doesn’t follow. He continues to sit in his seat, and gives me a reassuring smile before closing his book and then going through the front door. I suppose someone’s gotta be there for mother. I should be fine on my own. Less of a worry for him. We silently go up the stairs. Wanting to go at a faster pace, I pass her up the stairs, only a few steps. It’s really weird seeing her like this. Older. Still the same amount of a crybaby.   
“Why do you care about Komaeda so much?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	7. I'm so sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikan and Hajime finish their discussion before going to Nagito's room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This chapter will touch a little bit on eating disorders, so please proceed with caution!

“Why do you care about Komaeda so much?” She asks. I stop dead in my tracks. I guess I haven't thought about it very much. What was it that made me fall in love with him?   
“There are so many things I love and adore about Nagito. I think the first thing that really attracted me to him is his love for hope. And while he can be really down on himself…” I take a moment to breathe. 

I just need to breathe. 

He hates himself because of me. 

“I feel really bad I wasn’t able to make him feel differently about himself while we were together… to the point where he tried to take his own life… I’m probably the worst boyfriend ever. If I can’t get it right with girls, then I surely can’t get it right with guys.” That was a really cringy thing to say, especially in front of my ex.   
“I- I don’t think it’s that you can’t do it right, because trust me I know you. I think it’s that you c-care too deeply about things you shouldn’t care about. You’re too hard on yourself Hajime. It doesn’t have anything to do with w-who you love. Maybe all his self loathing is w-wearing you down.”   
“Well, you did a lot of self loathing when we were together.” I give her a playful nudge and a smile. She smiles back, looking at the floor.   
“But I understand why. You came from a hard childhood, and so did Nagito... Maybe I’m just attracted to people with tragic backstories.” She continues walking, and so do I until we reach one of the higher rooms in the building. Walking down hallway after hallway, I start to think more and more about him. 

He wouldn’t be here if I could’ve helped him. 

“A...are you sure you’re ok, Hajime?” She looked at me a little worried.   
“Mikan, I don’t know if I can do this. What if he doesn’t even wanna see me? It’s my fault he’s here, and…” I catch myself… self loathing… this man really has had an effect on me  
“Oh… I guess I should work on that.”   
“I-i think he’ll be delighted to see you… when he wakes up.” She opens the door, and waits for me to go in, before shutting the door behind me. She’s not even going inside. It’s just me and Komaeda. I stand at the doorway for a moment, just looking at his pale body in that thin hospital gown. It was scary seeing him like this. I hadn’t realized how skinny he’s gotten. He’s been telling me that he’s eating regularly… is he lying to me? My eyes fill with tears as I can’t help but stare at his arms to his sides, and his chest rising and falling ever so slowly. I pull up a chair next to him, and just observe for a while. The tears and sadness start to get to me, as I run my fingers over his cold arm, grabbing his hand. I hold it in my warmer hand, and just sit there for a moment. 

I probably look so dumb right now. 

No one’s watching, it’s ok. 

“Hey Nagito. I ah… I know you’re in a coma, and won’t be able to hear a word I say, but I’m going to say it anyway. I’m ah… I’m really afraid right now. Of a lot of things. I’m afraid I haven't been very kind to you, and I’m afraid that I’m the cause of this. I’m afraid that I was never able to help you love yourself the way I love you. I’m afraid of losing you. I’m afraid that we’ll never be able to move into a house together, and have a beautiful daughter like you want, and a cute puppy like I want. I’m afraid we’ll never be able to cuddle and watch movies together, and even just go on long car drives. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to feel the way I do when your lips touch mine, and your hands touch my skin. I’m afraid I'll never get to feel your body on mine, and I’m afraid I’ll never be able to give you a hickey on your neck that’s so noticeable nothing could cover it up because you’re so pale. I’m afraid i’ll never get to hear you say my name ever again or see the excitement on your face when we go get food or even just make plans to hang out. I’m afraid all of this is my fault. Did I drive you to kill yourself? Did I say something? I honestly don’t know what I did and I need to know! Please, I just need you to love yourself the way I love you. I need you to look at yourself in the mirror and see something amazing in the reflection, not trash. You have so much hope inside your fingertips, and I know you can do so many good things for the world with that hope. But you need to see how amazing you are. This feels so different than when my father died. After the wreck, we were told that he would die, just a matter of when. There was nothing we could do, I guess. But with you, it’s so unpredictable. I can’t lose another person I love… I don’t know what i’ll do. I can’t take this worry anymore. I can’t take the pain.” 

I really am selfish.   
I feel my tears trickle down my face, as my cries turn to loud sobs. 

“I’m so sorry.” is the only thing that escapes my mouth. My chest tightens, and my lips quiver. My shoulders felt heavier than they have ever felt.   
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry; I'M SORRY!” I repeat over and over again, each time seeming to get louder and more painful to speak. I give up. I can’t do this. My stiff body couldn’t move from my seat, and the only thing I could do was lie my head down and sob. 

He doesn’t deserve this, I do. 

I care so much about him, but it just hurts to be here... I shouldn’t be here. I should be at home right now, studying for my big math test on monday… that i’m probably gonna fail anyway because I always do… math sucks. Nagito makes my life worth living, he brings the color out. And even though I’m a reserve course student, he doesn’t mind for some reason. He hates all my classmates and well… anyone that doesn’t have a talent. But for some reason, he liked me. What’s so special about me? Nothing. Nothing about me is special. I’m just an average boy that will probably live an average life and do average adult things. Get a dumb buisness job even though there are so many things I want to do but can’t because I wasn’t born with a talent like that. I’m just…

A good for nothing human. 

Average...

Boring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are liking the story so far, thank you so much for reading :)


	8. Missed calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime wakes up to a number of missed calls from Izuru. Mikan comes to visit and they have a much needed conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you are all doing well! This chapter is a little bit of a vent, just because I need to let some feelings out I suppose. I'm ok now, and I hope you are all doing ok as well. remember to stay hydrated! :)

Hours pass. I don’t know how long it’s been, but it’s been a long time. I’m in the exact same place I was… What happened? Have I been like this the whole time. I sit up, rubbing tiredness from my eyes. What time is it even? I look down and check my phone.   
Three in the morning.   
Oh great. I glance down again to see a number of missed calls.   
Twelve from Izuru, three from Chiaki, one from my mom. The most recent call was forty five minutes ago from my brother. He might be asleep, but it’s better to just see then to be sorry. I swipe to his contact, and press call. The phones rings three times   
“Hajime, would it bother you to pick up the phone once and awhile or even check in? It’s three in the damn morning!”   
“I’m sorry, I think I must’ve fallen asleep.”   
“Well that makes sense… how’s Komaeda?” He says. I can tell there’s a hint of drowsiness in his voice, and he’s definitely tired.   
“Still out of it… they said it could talk a while for him to wake up, but Mikan said he was going to be ok, and I trust her.”   
“Well, you shouldn’t have TOO much trust in her, I still don’t like her… but I bet he’ll be ok. Now, are YOU ok?”   
“I ah… I think so. I’m just tired.”   
“Do you need me to come pick you up? Or do you intend on staying the night?”   
“I’m not gonna go until he wakes up,”   
“I don’t think mom is going to like that answer.”   
“I don’t care. I need to be here when he wakes up. This is my fault, I need to fix it.”   
“Brother, in no way is this your fault. I’m sorry, but you need to take care of yourself as well.”   
“I know, I am. But Nagito needs me, and I’m not going until he’s awake. That’s final.”   
“Well, you’re going to be in the hospital for a while then… the least I can do is bring you food or provide company. How can I help?”   
“No, it’s ok… i’m alright for now. You should try to get some sleep though, you sound exhausted.” I laugh a little, but I can tell he’s not amused.   
“Well for your information, I wouldn’t be if I didn’t have to worry about you so much. I just don’t wanna see you like I did when dad-”   
“I won’t, ok? I’ll be fine, I swear.” He lets out a big long sigh.   
“Well then, I’m going back to bed. I’ll have my phone on my nightstand right next to me, so do not hesitate to call when you need something, ok? ANYTHING.” He makes it very clear.   
“OK! Now go to sleep. I'll be here. Ok, bye.” I hang up the phone, lying back into my seat. It’s not the most comfortable ever, but I’m just glad I get to be in here and not in the awful waiting room. I look at Nagito again, as I take a worrying breath. I’m starting to become anxious for when he’s going to wake up. I feel filthy after crying so much, and like it might be impossible for me to cry anymore. I feel my headache start to come back, as I just sit in the chair and think about nothing but pain. I desperately need sleep, and I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open. A few minutes like this pass. Then it becomes ten minutes… then twenty. And it felt like a lifetime to get to thirty. I wasn’t aware how slow time went. Out of nowhere, I hear a light knock on the door, making me jump. My heart races as the door opens and I see Mikan enter the doorway.   
“O-oh hello Hajime! Last time I came to check, you were asleep so I thought I-I would bring you some blankets. I-i’m sorry if my intrusion woke you up.”   
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve been up for a little bit. My head has been killing me, so it’s been kinda hard to sleep with it on top of worrying about Nagito.” I explain, rubbing the dark circles under my eyes.  
“Do you want me to get you some ibuprofen? Would that help?”   
“Can you even do that?”   
“I-I mean not really, but we're friends so I-I can do this for you.”   
“Oh. Well I would hate to get you in trouble, but I suppose that would be nice, thank you.”   
“I-i’ll get right on that for you, Hajime.” She rushes out the door once again, leaving me alone again with a splitting headache. This is for Nagito, so I really don’t mind. I would do anything for him. She comes back minutes later with the pills and a bottle of water.   
“T-this should relieve the p-pain and make it easier to sleep.” She hands me the stuff, and I don’t even hesitate to take it. Mikan’s a good nurse, and I know she’s good at what she does and wouldn’t mess up. I trust her.   
“Thanks Mikan, I appreciate it a lot.”   
“It’s no problem.” her face turned red when I said that, and she turned away.   
“I'm glad we’re able to stay friends even after everything. You’re a good friend, and a good nurse.”   
“O-oh thank you, Hajime! And it’s alright… I’m ok with being friends. Besides, I think Ibuki and I are really h-hitting it off. I.. I really like her.” She smiles when she says that, which makes me smile. She pulls up a seat next to me, which usually means she wants to have a conversation. I decided to start it then.   
“Mikan, do you think I’m boring?”   
“Just because you’re a reserve course student? Y-you’re still thinking like that?”   
“Well, yeah but I just… I don’t know, it was a dumb question, I’m sorry.”   
“No, don’t be sorry, it’s ok. No, I don't think you’re boring at all. You’re different in your own way, you’re unique… I also don’t think average or boring people are gay and have an insane boyfriend like Komaeda.” I look back over at Nagito. He looks the same as he did when I got here.   
“Do you think… he’s here because of me?” I ask, almost to myself   
“W-why would you t-think that?”   
“Well he said all he ever did was bring me down… is this relationship healthy for him if he thinks that? I’ve never told him that before, I’ve never thought about it. I think he’s spectacular and lovely in every way. I only wish he could see that same love inside himself. I-I don’t know what I would do without him, I don’t know if I CAN live without him. I mean… I just lost my dad, and now I almost lost the man of my dreams! What is wrong with me, what am I possibly doing wrong?!” 

There goes the selfishness again. 

Everything always has to be about myself. 

“I… sorry, Mikan. I’m just super stressed out.”   
“I-I think Nagito loves you a lot and wouldn’t want to see you in p-pain. And I think if you start talking like him too, he’s gonna feel really bad. Y-you guys care for each other a lot, and I have hope everything w-will be ok…” She looks down at her phone before realizing what time it was. She stood up, and frantically ran to the door.   
“‘I’m so sorry I can’t stay longer, I had nearly forgotten the time. I’ll talk to you l-later! Try to get some sleep.” She left before I could even say something. The room was silent. I don’t like it. It makes me feel on edge. I scroll through my phone, and play some soft classical music I usually listen to while studying. I knew a basic amount of music history, and even how to play the piano. I’m not as good as Kaede Akamatsu, the Ultimate Pianist, but I can play an impressive amount of music. It was something my dad wanted me to keep touch in, so after he died, I tried to get into music a lot. I taught Nagito some of the piano I knew, but he would always get his finger placements wrong, which made me laugh a lot of the time. My headache starts to subside, but my desire to close my eyes and sleep becomes overbearing. I hold my hand in Nagito’s hand, keeping it warm, and it’s almost like I'm trying to prove to myself that he’ll be ok. Next thing I know, my eyes shut, and a world of black and classical music consumes me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading this chapter!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuru comes by delivering a gift from the class. He doesn't know how to handle it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! We are slowly but surly nearing the end of the story! With that being said, I do start school again tomorrow, so updates might not be as frequent.

“Brother, wake up.”   
I wake up to a strong pinch on the back of my neck as a quick rush of pain goes through my body. At first, I was confused, but when I turned my head and saw Izuru, I wasn’t surprised. I rub my eyes, and look around for a moment.   
“You scared me.”   
“Well, I've been trying to get you up for like three minutes, and you didn’t answer your phone. I didn’t know if I should bring you food or not, or if you wanted anything, so I just bought coffee instead.” usually coffee’s not my thing, but in a time like this, i’m so grateful so it. He hands it to me, and I keep it in my hands for a moment, feeling it’s warmth before starting to drink it. I then notice for a moment he has a black backpack on his back, but thought it was possible he just stopped here before going to study somewhere else, so I shrugged it off.   
“So, how is… he? Any updates?”   
“He’s ok, I think. Mikan stopped in for a while last night… she said he’ll be ok.”   
“I still think she’s bad news, brother. I just get a bad aura around her. I don’t know, it might just be me.”   
“Yeah, I suppose I get where you’re coming from… we were together for a long time before I really knew i was… you know.”   
“Gay?”   
“Yes, Izuru. Gay.”   
“My apologies, does that make you uncomfortable?”   
“I- no, it doesn’t. I’m just worried about Nagito, and I can’t think straight.”   
“I thought you just said you were gay?”   
` “I… am? What are you talking about?”   
“Well you said you couldn’t think straight and I was confused because you are not straight, so why would you want to think like that?” Silence for a solid ten seconds.   
“Sometimes I think you take things too seriously.” He just smiles. I look down at my phone to see what time it is to see the screen is black.   
“My phone must’ve died last night” Izuru then swings the backpack off his back, and throws it at me. It took some talent for me to catch it with one hand and have the coffee in the other hand. Maybe that could be my ultimate… ultimate catcher. That would be dumb.   
“Oh yeah, that’s for you.”   
“What’s in it?” I ask, unzipping the bag.   
“I packed some of your clothes that you might wanna change every now and then, some deodorant because you stink, a tooth brush, and a phone charger. Since we don’t know how long he’ll be out, it’s always good to pack. I also put a few of my books in there if you’re ever bored and wanted to read them. Oh, and Chiaki stopped by last night and wanted me to give you this.” He hands me a cardboard box that has a letter on top and is wrapped in a blue ribbon. I unwrap the ribbon first, and read the note inside. 

Hajime,   
We’re so sorry all of this happened to you so suddenly. We also wanted to thank you for taking care of Komaeda these past few years! He really deserves someone nice like you to make him feel like he’s worth it. Even though you are not enrolled in our class, it doesn’t feel the same without you. As our appreciation, we all pitched in some money (Mostly Soina) and bought you this gift! We hope you like it! Remember, you’ll always be a part of our class no matter what happens! Tell Nagito that we’re all praying for his recovery!   
-Class 77-B 

I’m confused… Why are they giving this to me? I’m not the one being injured here, Nagito’s the one in the hospital. I look blankly at the note, as a silent stream of tears comes down my eyes. I wipe them away, starting to open the box. Inside the box, there is another white box with a picture of a video game console on it. I can only stare in awe. Looking at it closer, I see it’s a nintendo switch… one of the small hand-heald ones. The class got ME a nintendo switch while Nagito was in the hospital in a coma. It almost infuriates me. But maybe the reason they didn’t get Nagito anything was because they thought he wasn’t gonna make it?   
Because why buy something for a dead person?  
“I-i… why? Why did they buy this for ME?”   
“Oh yeah I should’ve mentioned this before, but they got Nagito something too, but were gonna wait on it because they thought it was too soon… so don’t worry about that.”   
“I don’t deserve this… I’m the reason he’s here, they shouldn’t be praising me.. buying me expensive things like this, it just doesn’t feel right.” my throat feels dry and hoarse again as I know i’m crying. I put the box down, and wrap my hands around my stomach trying not to have a full blown panic attack. Izuru notices this immediately, and puts his hand on my shoulder.   
“Hey, it’s ok. Just breathe. He’s going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. This is not your fault.”   
“You keep saying that like you’re trying to convince yourself more than me! Just admit it already! I’m a bad person! I deserve to be dying on that bed, not Nagito! So just…” My words turn more into screams as his face remains the same as it always did. I knew he didn't know what to do. He’s not good in situations like this.   
“I’m sorry I upset you. I guess I thought it usually calmed you down when I said things like that. But if it is better for me not to speak, I will not say anything. But I want you to know that no, you do not deserve to by dying instead of Nagito right now. It was his choice to attempt to take his life, and I don’t think there are not a lot of things you could do to prevent that situation.”   
“There are SO many things I could’ve done differently. I-I couldn’t show him how much I loved him, and I couldn’t teach him how to love himself… and now I might not even get the chance too. It's my fault he doesn’t like himself, he tried to kill himself because he thought he was a burden to me…” At this point, I'm rambling so much that I don’t even know what I’m saying. Sometimes, I say things without thinking… This is one of those moments.   
“How many people are going to die because of my foolishness and selfishness? We already have one, and if Nagito dies, it’ll be two. Gosh, do you think dad would be proud of me? Killing two of the closest people I love?” Izuru moves his hand, and slaps me across the face. Pretty hard too.   
“Do you hear yourself right now? All the progress we made was for nothing if you think that! Father’s death was NOT your fault! Yes, you were the one driving the car, but it was noisy and you were fighting! The guy ran into YOU! HE was drunk! You weren't breaking the law in any way. I know for a FACT if Komaeda or dad heard what was coming out of your mouth right now, they would be disappointed. Stop being so hard on yourself. I’m not going to sit here and let you believe that all of this is your fault, because it’s not. You are a fantastic person, and you do not deserve death. You do not deserve to starve yourself, you do not deserve to hurt yourself. You deserve everything, Hajime. And yes, you may be a reserve course student but who really cares? Most people in the world don’t have an ultimate talent anyway. You are worth everything. I need you to promise me you’re not gonna do anything to hurt yourself or stop eating, because you deserve to be healthy. I need to know you are going to get through this without your dangerous habits. And I know it’s hard, but we're all here for you.” His words were stern, yet had a slight tone of fear. It stunned me. I stood there, dumbfounded that I had even said that.   
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t know you still worried about me like that. You don’t have to worry about that, I promise. I’ll never do it again”   
“I know you won’t, but It’s still hard not to worry about you sometimes. And then when I don’t worry enough, it seems like that’s when all the bad things happen.” his eyes looked almost dull, as his long arm reached out to my shoulder giving me a playful shove. He then pulls me in for a side hug, which takes me by suprise for a minute.   
“You may be a dumbass, but you’re my brother and nothing will change that. I guess it’s my job to worry about you since you obviously don’t worry about yourself more often.”   
“Um… thanks? I think?” We kinda stay in this position for a while as I think more and more about the past and what happened. I wonder if I upset Izuru even more than I did Nagito, and he was pretty upset. But he knew that it didn’t define me, and that I was just going through a hard loss and people have a lot of different ways of coping. Maybe the reason he never brought it up was because I nag him about doing those same bad things I did. I remember that time more than anything, it still haunts me. If I could go back and change it, I would do almost anything. But I can’t, because that’s not how life works. It might not be fair, but that’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you have been enjoying so far, and I look forward to finishing the story and being able to share it with you all :)


	10. I'll be better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a little vent, but please do not worry, I'm ok!!
> 
> Hajime has a lot of time to think while Komaeda is out... a lot of time to think about his dad, and what he could've done differently. He remembers the unhealthy habits he caught, and overworked himself.  
> Basically just a flashback :)  
> THIS CHAPTER WILL COVOR SERIOUS TRIGGERING TOPICS! (See list in chapter notes)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT!  
> THIS COULD BE A REALLY TRIGGERING CHAPTER FOR SOME PEOPLE  
> TOPICS INCLUDE: Eating disorders, Insomnia/nightmares, car accidents, hospitals, hinted suicidal thoughts, depression, homophobia AND MOST IMPORTANTLY PANIC ATTACKS!. Please don't read if any of these trigger you... please know you are not alone.
> 
> I'm so sorry on the wait for this chapter. I just had a lot of personal stuff happen this week, and I've been super stressed about it.  
> I'm going to predict there will probably be about two or three chapters left including this one, so we are reaching the end! I love you all, and please read with caution.

It was a cold rainy summer night. School had just been let out for the summer, and I couldn’t wait for summer vacation. It meant more time to spend with my family... and Nagito.

How is it that driving for fifteen minutes altered my whole summer?  
I remember.  
I was the one driving when dad had asked me what my plans for the future were since I was graduating soon. He had told me that I should break up with Komaeda, and think about getting into a real relationship… with a woman. I know dad never really liked Nagito, but I didn’t realize it was because he was a guy. There were a lot of things I didn’t really know about dad, I guess. I thought that maybe if I gave it time, he would come around to the idea of Nagito being the person I wanted to spend my life with. Not Mikan, not Chiaki, not girls. He must’ve had a bad day, because he started yelling on the top of his lungs how much of a failure I was… for being average, for being a reserve course student… 

For being me.

It made it super hard to focus on the road when all he did was yell at me and ask why he had such a terrible, disgraceful son. I guess he was right because I disobeyed one of the most important rules of driving; to never take your eyes off the road. When I looked back, it was already too late. The front of the car was moments away from a collision with the other car. I wanna say that Nagito’s luck is what saved me that day. I’m so grateful I was wearing my seatbelt, otherwise I'm sure I would have flown right through the windshield, and been crushed. I remember blacking out instantly the moment my foot hit the breaks. Next thing I knew, I felt the cold rain soak through my clothes, as the blue and red lights grew brighter and brighter. I couldn’t feel anything, it felt so surreal. Glass was everywhere, and the car was totalled. I remember being barely conscious, and Izuru already being there. The next thing I knew, it was two days later and I woke up in a hospital. I felt a sharp pain in my side, and there was a huge gash on the side of my face. Turns out I had broken a rib. Nothing compared to the injured my father faced, not by a long shot. He was only told to have a few more days to live, but they would be long and painful. So they decided that it would be best to put him to rest. I got to see him for ten minutes once I woke up, but because my injuries were bad as well, they were hesitant. It was the last time I'd even see my dad. It was just him and I face to face… for ten minutes. He didn’t say anything. Maybe he was too weak, maybe he was mad at me. When our minutes were cutting it short, he said something to me I'll never forget.  
“You let me down. I hope someday you’ll make me proud and make a name for yourself. Don’t bring shame onto our family name or I'll come back from the dead and haunt you. I know you’ll make the right decision if I raised you right. I love you, son.” He died minutes later. His last words to me were basically that all this was my fault. He didn't even say my name. No one knew he actually said that to me, I decided not to tell anyone.  
Every day felt worse and worse as his words continued to haunt me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to live a good life. I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t deserve to be alive. No one really took me as the suicidal kind of guy, which I mean I knew I wasn’t but there was always that dwelling thought that everything would be better if I was gone. No one would notice because I didn’t matter in society. I felt like even Komaeda didn’t love me. Which I know is stupid and wrong, but it just felt like it was always focused on how he was feeling and not how I felt. Which I didn’t mind in the slightest. It made me happy that he didn’t know how I acted when I wasn’t around him. It was nothing for him to worry about, and I hate it when he’s worried. I tried for as long as I could to try not to tell anyone, but I think it was pretty plain to see that my own thoughts were slowly killing me. I had started to develop insomnia, and when I could sleep, my only dreams were about the wreck and my dad. I stopped hanging out with people, and distanced myself with a lot of my friends. I had stopped eating completely because I felt like food was a luxury item, and I didn’t deserve to eat anything. Which didn’t pair well with the amount of working out I did as well. I tried to run five miles a day, and pushed myself beyond the limits I could reach. I purposely did things that hurt just to make sure I felt something other than the tiredness I had felt from the lack of sleep. But I had to make sure no one would worry about me, so I stayed silent and kept it all to myself. My mom thought I was actually doing well because I was always out to ‘hang out with friends’ or ‘go get some exercise’ My side pains eventually got worse every time I ran. 

But I chose to ignore it.

After a while, I had started to notice that I had been feeling really sick and in pain. 

I chose to ignore it again.

Komaeda needed more help then I did, and I put all my feelings aside, because even seeing him smile is enough to know that I’m doing something right. Nagito is a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them. I knew this, yet I still wasn’t careful enough. One night, Komaeda came over unannounced, which was new to me because he never liked to come over because he always felt like a burden. When he came into my room, shutting the door behind him, I knew what this was about.  
“Nagito, hey! You didn’t tell me you were coming over. Is something the ma-”  
“Hajime, I know you’re not being honest with me.” his words scared me to my core.  
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about-”  
“When's the last time you ate?”  
“That’s a strange question… this afternoon before-”  
“Before going on your daily marathon?”  
“It’s just five miles”  
“Yeah but you’re overdoing it!”  
“I- no I’m not, I feel perfectly fine.”  
“Yesterday you held the side of your stomach almost the whole time we were together. You always steer away from doing anything that has to do with eating. You look pale and miserable. You’ve lost a worrisome amount of weight, Hajime. I’m really worried about you.” He reaches his hand out, and I hold it on my own. If Nagito was calling ME skinny and pail, it surely must mean something.  
“I- I know Nagito, I’m ok, seriously.”  
“No you’re not! You’re just saying that! I know you, and I know that what you’re doing is not healthy and not ok. And I know you’re going through a hard time, but I’m worried about you; your own FAMILY is worried about you! I know it might not be a lot that a scum like me cares about you, but so do so many other people... if I’m not enough to persuade you.” he comes closer, wrapping his long pail arms around my waist. A trail of tears flowed down his face, as he buried his head in my shoulder. I accepted the embrace, and stroked his beautiful white hair while running my fingers along the back of his jacket.  
“I promise things will change. I’m so sorry I made you worry about me. It’s not fair to you. Please forgive me.”  
“You promise you’ll start taking care of yourself? Otherwise, I might just have to stay by your side at all times and nag you, which I highly doubt you want because I’m just an annoying piece of trash.”  
“Not at all! I would prefer you being here by my side at all times.” he looked up at me, as I wiped the tears away from his face.  
“I swear to you I will change, and I will be better.”

Three days later, I ran seven miles instead of five. Not a good decision on my part. Ten minutes after, Nagito was waiting for me outside of my house because I had been a solid half-hour late to our date. Nagito loved to drive, so if we ever hung out, he would always be the one driving. I think he’s also worried about letting me drive because I get anxiety when a car gets a little too close, and I freak out. I couldn’t even get out of my car without stumbling on my own feet. Mom works all day, and Izuru takes summer classes, so no one was home that day. I immediately notice Nagito run up to me, a worried look on his face. All he wanted to do was help me, which made me feel bad because I lied to him.  
“Are you alright?” He grabs one of my arms in an attempt to help me up.  
"I- yeah, I’m fine. I just need some water.”  
“Hajime, you need to go to the hospital.”  
“I- no I don’t I'm fine.” I say again, trying to get up. My feet felt so heavy, and overall I was just so weak.  
“Hajime, be honest with me when’s the last time you’ve eaten an actual filling meal?” I pause for a moment.  
“Try not to be mad, but I honestly can’t remember.” his face drops with fear.  
“You need to eat.”  
“I know, ok! I know! It’s just so hard.”  
“Why? What happened?”  
“I- I-” I felt my body start to overheat, and my mind was completely out of it. My breaths become short and heavy, and every passing moment becomes harder to breath. The panic on Nagito’s face makes me burst into tears. Uncontrollable sobs sound more like it.  
“I’m sorry, I just-” I choke on my own words, as it all becomes too much to handle. The nucious light beaming from the sun, the hunger pangs coming from not eating, the soreness my body felt from the constant amount of exercise and no rest. Everything seemed to blur together, and I ended up passing out right at that moment. How embarrassing. I had promised him that I would be better, but three days later, here I was doing worse. I truly am the worst boyfriend, aren't I? I feel really bad lying to him, he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve to be put in a place like that. I don’t deserve him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm so sorry for the wait, and I hope you enjoyed! New chapter soon!... hopefully


	11. you’re the closest thing i’ve ever had to a family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of Hajime's flashback. Komaeda's there and they have a moment because I literally love them so much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! First of all, I apologize to anyone who thought the last chapter was too much... I should stop listening to sad songs at two am and writing fanfic... but here I am... doing it again...   
> ...I have finals tomorrow too... 
> 
> Secondly, I woke up this morning and there was like five hundred hits!!! That's so awesome! I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to read my depressing crap and I appreciate all the support! It's been such a great experience and I can't wait to post more Komahina in the future! I've been working on some stuff already I can't wait to share :)

Opening my eyes, I feel the soft dim lights hit my face, and the breeze of the summer air coming out the window. I was in the hospital again, but this time, it was a different situation. I looked around for a moment, remembering the white walls all too well from the last time I was there. I was… alone. I couldn’t say I necessarily felt refreshed, but I felt better then usual. I felt more well rested, and at peace. Although there was some panic that rose inside. How long had I been out this time? Days? Weeks? YEARS? Obviously, those possible outcomes were a little exaggerated. Looking to my left, there was a small stand next to the bed, and on it sat a familiar phone. It wasn’t my phone, but Komaedas. He was here somewhere. Where was he? How long had he been here? More importantly, does he hate me? Was he mad? I pick up the phone, and look at the screen. It had a picture of us as it’s lock screen. That had always been one of my favorite photos we had together. I look at the time. It had only been a day since all of the stuff happened, so I haven't been here very long. I attempt to sit up from my lying down position, but find it really hard to, since I’m so weak and the pain in my side was worse. There was also one of those I.V. things hooked in my wrist. Nothing new, but I find it kinda scary I couldn’t even feel them put it in. It hurts pretty bad, and I knew that when this was over, it would be sore for a few days. After observing for a while, I can’t help but have this strange feeling that I’m being watched. After looking around, I see Nagito standing in the doorway, tears forming in his eyes. He just looks at me, and I look back. He slowly takes small steps toward me, almost as if he’s in shock. I know this hurt him more than it actually hurt me. He grasps on my pale, shaking hand and continues to cry. It’s so hard to look him in the eyes and not cry. I felt myself start to also tear up, as all I could do was bring his hand up to my face and kiss it.   
“i-I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It was really selfish of me, and I really wasn’t thinking about how my actions could affect you, or-”   
“What happened to make you do this? Was it me? Am I a bad influence on you?”   
“No, no it’s not you at all! You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me, I swear! I just… I know it’s been a few months, but I still feel bad about my dad… I mean, it's my fault he’s dead. He died knowing that I was going to be a disgrace to our last name. I guess his words have stuck with me a little bit… or a lot. I think about it a lot. About how I’m talentless, and how much better Izuru is then me… heck, the best I can do is a C plus is geometry! I guess I felt like I didn’t deserve to have nice things, or even be happy, so I stopped eating and sleeping in general. I haven't told anyone he said that to me, mostly because I’m embarrassed and ashamed. But ah- I feel like you deserve to know the truth. None of this is your fault. I need you to know that, ok? And starting today, I’ll ACTUALLY do better, I swear. I swear to you… and my dad. Even if he didn’t think very highly of me, I know that this isn’t what he would want.” Nagito can only look down at the floor, which is understandable.   
“I understand that I hurt you, and I understand if you want a break or just want to never see me again. But please know that-”   
“Are you kidding? How could I ever leave you? I love you more than anything, Hajime. You truly are my hope. And I know that you’ve been trying your best, and I know losing a parent is hard. Trust me, I know a lot about that. But please use me. I can be of so much assistance to you. I just don’t wanna see you hurt anymore, and I- I guess you’re the closest thing i’ve ever had to a family, and I’m really grateful for that. You truly are the best thing my luck has given me.” he smiles his beautiful smile at me, while clearing the tears away from his face. I do the same. 

The rest of the summer was spent mostly going to therapy, actually getting sleep, and LIGHTLY exercising. My ribs hadn’t fully healed at the point where I was overdoing it, so that’s what the pain in my side was from. As for everything else, I got diagnosed with anorexia, and had really bad malnutrition. Izuru took a break from his classes to spend some time with me during the summer, and of course Nagito and I did things (mostly consisted of making out) every few days. Things seemed to be finally turning around for me. 

Until now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this chapter! Also, I'm going off information from the internet, so if anything sounds off, please let me know and I'll fix it right away!!! 
> 
> Only a few more chapters left... spoiler alert, they get a happy ending because they truly deserve it :)


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